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18 October 2011 @ 01:09 pm
Crack Fic: The Clone Wars  
Fandom: Sherlock BBC
Title: The Clone Wars
Characters: Lestrade, John Watson, Mycroft, Moriarty, Molly Hooper, Lestrade
Pairings: Lestrade/Every-damn-body-including-himself
Rating: PG-13ish
Warnings: none to speak of, couple of profanities and a bit of boy/boy kissing.
A/N: Total crack. Written in 20 minutes (and therefore completely unbeta'd) for a couple of highly inspirational people on Twitter - they know who they are. Oh - and contains one line blatantly stolen from Rick Castle ;)


Lestrade woke up very groggily in a room that looked like something from the USS Enterprise. To his horror he realised he was strapped to a table that had a very medical appearance to it - and he wasn't wearing anything.

A tall, austere looking man in a three piece suit was leaning over him. The man smiled thinly. "Ah, Detective Inspector - I trust you're not feeling any ill effects from the sedative?"

Lestrade scowled back. "What the hell is going on? Who are you? And why the fuck am I naked?"

"A necessary part of the procedure I'm afraid."

There was a loud scoffing noise from Lestrade's right. "Bollocks, Mycroft. You just wanted to get an eyeful, same as the rest of us."

Lestrade instantly recognised the voice. "John?!"

John Watson appeared in Lestrade's field of vision. "Yeah, sorry, Greg. Let me explain. You see Sherlock, Mycroft and I got talking," He gestured to the man on Lestrade's left. "This is Mycroft by the way; he's Sherlock's brother - and we found out that practically the only thing we all have in common is that we all want you. Now we could have sorted out some sort of sharing arrangement but we all have really insane and unpredicatable schedules and that would leave you pretty knackered, so Mycroft suggested we clone you instead."

"You're going to clone me?"

"Yep. There'll be six of you! This way we all get a Greg each!" John said happily.

"Wait... six? For you, Sherlock and Mycroft? How does that work - you all get one and a spare or something?"

"Well unfortunately we had to call in some extra help with getting parts and equipment so Molly's getting a Greg too." John gestured to the far side of the room where a young lady in a white coat was adjusting some very complicated looking equipment.

She turned and waved at them with a large friendly smile.

"Doctor Hooper? But that's still only four - unless.. are you giving me a copy of myself? So I can have some time off work?"

"No, sorry. Clone Five is for.. umm..." John hesitated.

"Me! Surprise!" A short, well dressed, dark haired man popped up from behind the console Molly was standing at.

"JIM?! You're letting that nutter get his hands on me?!"

"Only one of you - and it won't be you you," John pointed out.

"And what if me me thinks you're all nuts and doesn't want any part of this?"

"Ooh, bit late for that mate, sorry." Another voice announced itself from behind Lestrade's chair. A very familiar voice - but one he was only used to hearing on recordings.

Lestrade stared at the voice's owner and felt his jaw drop open in amazment. "You're... you're.."

The tall, silver-haired man stood behind John and grinned over his shoulder at Lestrade. "Clone Three - I'm John's. Sherlock already left with Clone Two and Mycroft's Clone One is sleeping."

Greg #3 kissed John's neck and John responded by turning and giving him an extremely thorough grope as he kissed him back. Greg #3 whispered something to John that made John's eyes widen. "Christ! That's.. OK - but only if he agrees."

"Of course he will! He's me," #3 pointed out. He sidled his way past John and leaned over Lestrade.

Fuck - I am ruggedly handsome, aren't I? Lestrade thought.

"I know you're thinking it - 'cause I am." Greg #3 said.

Lestrade couldn't deny it - he'd be literally lying to himself. "Yeah, alright. Why not?"

And it was incredibly gratifying to be able to confirm that he actually was as good a kisser as he'd always thought...

"Holy shit! You, outside now." John grabbed Greg #3 and hauled him off towards the nearest door.

"I.. umm, think we should take a short break," Mycroft stammered, glancing towards another door where his Greg was no doubt waiting.

"No chance - you get working on Numbers four and five or I'll blow this place sky high!" Moriarty threatened.

"Oh very well - and I suppose we could have a number six to allow the inspector some time off."

"Yeah - so I can play with all my twins." Lestrade winked at Mycroft whose face flushed even redder. "You know what they say - you can never have too much of a good thing..."




 
 
 
Elf: In Bedelfbert on October 18th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha!

If that's partly my fault I can't pretend I'm remotely sorry! BrilliantXD
rosie j: crumpled//lestradenotkerouac on October 18th, 2011 02:31 pm (UTC)
I am totally going to aim to inspire you more, you cheered up my craptastic day! x
Tehomettehomet on November 1st, 2011 07:17 am (UTC)
Fuck - I am ruggedly handsome, aren't I? Lestrade thought.


LOL!

Crazy story but lots of fun. Thank you for posting.